Auto Club 500 predictions

Just watched the anthem and flyover. Apparently the US Military is taking this Joint Operations Doctrine all the way; the flyover consisted of two Air Force F-16s and two Navy F-18s. Unfortunately they neglected to put a strafing run on Happy Harvick's ride.

Anyways, we here at TL East are steeling ourselves for 3 hours of single file racing, fuel-mileage pontificating, and Kasey Kahne's first victory of the season, which will do exactly nothing to rinse the rotten-pussy taint of cheating from Evernham Motorsports.

Top 5
5. Gordon
4. Burton
3. Kenseth
2. Martin
1. Kahne

California: Here Comes the Future

We've been trying to figure out what to say about the Daytona 500, but the last post from last week's drunkblog really says it best; most of our upper-level brain RAM is still dedicated to trying to figure out why Kevin Harvick is not in Guantanamo Bay or at least some damp and uncomfortable secret CIA prison somewhere in Eastern Europe. We've hated on Harvick pretty hard for a while now, and so the following things frankly do not matter to us:

- Martin winning would have depended not on whether NASCAR had thrown the yellow before he crossed the start/finish but exactly when. Harvick and Martin traded the lead a couple times even after the Medium-Sized One behind them erupted.

- Harvick came from pretty deep in the pack to win. Yeah, a lot of that can be attributed to simple attrition - most of the cars that could and should have won had wrecked out - but a lot of it was skill.

- Harvick was kinda sorta maybe driving Dale Earnhardt's old ride, and since Dale Earnhardt is dead that makes it all poignant and shit.

- The 500 victory was a fitting conclusion to the rehabilitation of RCR, which as recently as two years ago was a midpack team whose future was in some question (speaking of which, both Penske cars were pretty strong in the 500 - will '07 be for them what '06 was for RCR?)

No. None of these things matter. It wasn't even that we like Martin that much, certainly not as much as SPH; he's not really what you'd call an exciting driver to watch, and his old Viagra car, along with Bob Dole, helped put the idea of old white guys with prolonged, enduring erections into the national consciousness. But he was the sentimental favorite, and the idea of former teammates Biffle and Kenseth pushing him to the front did make us feel warm and fuzzy inside, and he was driving a car sponsored by the U.S. Army, an institution that's had a few seasons recently that make RCR's troubles look inconsequential by comparison (a car, we should add, that Front Row Joe Nemechek had been unable to accomplish anything with in the last two years). So, again, to those whom it may concern: send Kevin Harvick to Guantanamo. Shit, he's already got the brightly colored jumpsuit.

Also, anyone notice some weird names in the top 10 at Daytona? Mike Wallace (in the Miccosukee car!)? David "The Butcher of Martinsville" Ragan? The aformentioned Front Row Joe? WTF?

So that there was your 500. We might not be happy about the winner, but the race itself, or at least the last third of it, reminded us of everything that's right about NASCAR - unexpected upsets, spectacular crashes, and some pretty good racing by desperate folks doing desperate things. Hell, Clint Bowyer came across the start/finish upside down and on fire; show me that, IRL!

If the Daytona 500 represented everything that's good and holy about modern stock car racing, this weekend's Auto Club 500 at California will probably represent everything that's wrong with it. California's not a very exciting track; it's fast, but tends to produce a lot of long green flag runs during which nothing much happens. At the second California race last year, the most compelling drama revolved around whether or not Reed Sorenson would run out of gas. Just about any fan will tell you that there's no reason that California should even have two dates, but demographics are what they are and it does, so let's just all bear the fuck with it.

There's another way in which California is different from Daytona; Daytona is a plate track where anything can and does happen, while California is an intermediate track the likes of which make up the bulk of the NEXTEL Cup schedule, and so what happens this Sunday will probably be pretty indicative of the way that the rest of the year will go (last year, all but one of the eventual Chase contenders finished in the top 13). Here's what we think will go down: look for a couple Roush cars (we refuse to refer to it as "Roush-Fenway"), probably Kenseth and either Biffle or Edwards, to charge to the front early and then spend most of the day duking it out with probably all of Hendrick, Kasey Kahne, and maybe Jeff Burton. As for the end, we're going to go out on a fuck of a limb and predict that Casey Mears will go to Victory Lane for the first time in Cup and in his second start with Hendrick. Kenseth, who won the Busch race earlier tonight, should do pretty well also. Here's your Top 5:

5. Gordon
4. Kahne
3. Edwards
2. Kenseth
1. Mears

Sadly, there will be no Cup race next weekend, which drivers who are running Busch (we also refuse to use the term "Buschwhacker") will spend running at the Autodromo Hermanos Whatever in Mexico City and which the rest will spend getting right with the Lord before heading to Las Vegas, where everyone will supposedly die because of the newly added banking. Also, this weekend marks precisely one month until the first Car of Tomorrow race. See y'all tomorrow.

Other thoughts from the 500

Unlike the technologically advanced staff over at TL West, we here at TL East are still stuck in the dark ages, having to put pen to paper to record our thoughts as the Daytona 500 ran last Sunday. In roughly chronological order are our scribblings on the day’s broadcast.

-Kurt Busch really is a grinding douchbag. What’s the fucking point of racing Stewart for the lead with the majority of the race to still be run!?! I’d imagine that Kurt would mention something about how those five bonus points for leading the most laps are ab-so-lutely vital in the Race for the Chase. Right.

-Is there a Dodge resurgence happening. Especially Ryan Newman… after spending 2006 looking fat and sucking at everything, including that Gillette Young Guns commercial, he’s actually riding around near the front. (The final results were a bit of a mixed bag for Dodge. Four cars in the Top-15, Formula One import Montoya in 19^th place, and four of the final seven finishers. As for the #12 Alltel Dodge, its engine cut out on lap 175. Also, was that a new paint job?)

-Montoya is reporting his car to be “silly tight.” Regardless of where he finishes, TL East thinks he’ll be alright.

-God Bless green flag pit stops.

-DW: Toyota’s are made up in Georgetown, Kentucky.
MJ: That’s why they say foreign nameplate… global economy, that’s where we are.

-MJ: Like a squatter at a fire the #2 has company and it’s not all friendly. (a particularly redeeming comment in light of the above exchange)

-WIDOMV – Kenseth’s wife = hot. Fear for Newman’s wife’s safety
(I was somewhere between my 7^th and 8^th Milwaukee’s Best Light when I wrote this line, verbatim. No, I don’t know what the acronym stands for.)

-JJ fucks everybody up.

-#26 crashes. Damn. 1,8,26,88 all caught up. I really don’t know what McMurray’s problem is but he needs to put a lid on this kind of nonsense.

Next thing I know a few million dollars of racecar was torn up, along with the hopes and dreams detailed in the preceding post. Well, one way to get over that is to review a few of the new commercials out for Daytona. Another way would be jacking it furiously over the pretty lady from last year’s Prilosec ads but unfortunately hours of searching have turned up, well, jack.

-Best Ad: Kasey Kahne’s Allstate Flashback spot. Great idea, great execution. TL West is partial to the gal riding shotgun but we here at TL East believe that the lady in the driver’s seat is simply “tits”. Also, she’s way more rarin’ to go as evidenced by her offer to do quote-unquote “anything”. Actually, from the way shotgun gal shifts her eyes at this I think they might want Kasey to run a train on them…

-Ad best showing the effects of a three day, crank-fueled NASCAR binge: Oreo Yum, Yum, Yum. Frankly this is a sign that rehab, if not prison, are in your immediate future.

-Ad most deftly demonstrating that Tony Raines is a moron: The DLS commercial. It is just me or are you reminded of Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men” whenever this comes on? Raines and his crew chief are proportionally equivalent to George and Lennie. And the dialogue… “Different..? Whoa!”

-Ad proving TL West’s assertion that all the teams found a huge redneck to work as a jackman: UPS’s Tire Carrier.

Daytona 500

Well, it took a while but we here at TL East finally climbed out of our pit of despair. You see, we’ve been fans of NASCAR since the tender age of 12, that wonderful, just-slightly prepubescent age when we first understood that guys who drive fast cars and pretty blonde girls with big Hooters might have something to do with one another. Hey, Alan Kulwicki won the championship that year, and the next year my father took me, and my entire family, to a Hooters restaurant in Orlando for my 13^th birthday dinner, in the middle of a vacation to Disney World, no less. Needless to say, whomever we latched onto as a favorite driver was bound to stick.

In my youth I had a fondness for sports teams with color schemes I cared for. I don’t think that had anything to do with reason, or rationality, or anything else a thinking, self-conscious human might use to determine their sports heroes. For Christ sakes, I cried in 1984 because the San Diego Padres lost to the Detroit Tigers, just because I liked the look of their visitor’s uniforms. My only memories of that game are of the tears in my eyes that welled up looking at the Padres’ manager slumped in his dugout after Kirk Gibson hit the series clenching homer, and of my father (a young man at the time) running madly around our house in Kansas City, waving a Tigers Pennant and gyrating as though the Soviet Union had fallen. Little did I know how ashamed of myself I’d feel about my reaction after moving to Detroit in 1985 and beginning a life-long love affair with everything and every team associated with Detroit.

Mark Martin was only marginally associated with Detroit, but his #6 Valvoline was painted up in the proper colors. Red, White, and Blue. He enjoyed a great run of success in the Ninety’s (2^nd overall in ’90, ’94, ’98, ‘02) and won a lot of races (35 so far) along the way. He also happened to drive a Ford in a family where the 2-door Thunderbird was a sporty little sumbitch. The thing I’ve always liked the most about Mark is his low-key business-like manner. When he was winning a lot (see 1998), he was always a decent guy. Frankly, I’ve come to see him as one of sports’ role-models. After the 2005 campaign, when Martin placed fourth in the Chase behind Tony Stewart, he gave one of the best concession speeches I’ve ever heard. He thanked Tony for being such a great driver and champion. He then proceeded to mention how Tony walked in awfully big shoes, and that he (Mark) could only hope to try to fill them. As the readers of Turning-Left know, Stewart is liked, and can be called many things, but he cannot yet be spoken of in reverential tones. Martin had taken a liking to Tony though, and frankly, Stewart was a bit embarrassed at having to follow such an accolade.

As the 2007 season took hold this year the semi-bombshell dropped that Mark Martin would drive for Ginn Racing, and not for Roush for the first time in nearly two decades. At 48 years old, Mark has said he’d like to race a reduced schedule, and have the opportunity to mentor younger drivers. While racing for Ginn affords him this opportunity, I think Mark also wanted to ride a Chevy around Daytona for once (20 wins to Ford’s 10 all-time, and 14-of-18 from 2006-1989). In the final laps, his Monte Carlo SS had a chance to win the race that had eluded him for so long.

I was stuck at TL East’s current home base, watching the race with my Mom while trying to not show the repercussions one feels from drinking a 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best Light (cut up limes help, as does sleep) in 3 hours. Obviously, the 2007 Daytona 500 had offered plenty of drama as the sun set. The top 2 cars took each other out for no discernable reason leaving everyone else to fight it out over the final 50 miles (i.e. 20 laps). Finally, the race would be determined by a green-white-checkered.

Two laps remained before my all-time favorite driver might win the fiiiiivvvvvve-hunnnnnnnnnerd. All seemed well until the pack screamed out of turn four on lap 200. Mark was lined up on the low line and Harvick was bouncing off of the wall (his words). What happened next ruined my night, and certainly made a lot of NASCAR fans wonder what they might need to do to get into heaven (seeing as one of the most pious, yet unostentatious drivers on the circuit lost the race). The #29 Shell car beat the #01 Army car to the line by .02 seconds as Kyle Busch, Matt Kenseth and a crapload of other people ended sliding across the finish line with something other than their front fender. A lot of self-proclaimed experts have said NASCAR neglected its own rulebook when it let Harvick and Martin race to the line. As much as I wish Martin would win, I’m glad that the winner was determined under green. I know he agrees. Like Mark says, “Nobody wants to see a grown man cry.”

Frankly, that’s the best part of this whole debacle. As much as anyone might want to bitch about the result, the Five-Hundred ended in the best way possible. The ending involved a lot of relevant teams and featured, among other thing, a car finishing on its roof, on fire. Also, while we all mourn for Mark Martin, I’ve faith for next year. After all, he’s driving a Chevy. And rolling with Hendrick power.

Drunkblogging the 500: this is how we do

(All times Central because we will be in no shape to add an hour to anything by the time that this is over.)

2:20 - did the minister of choice just ask the Almighty to bless the France family during the pre-race invocation?

2:23 - Nicolas Cage is visibly hungover, a fact that the cowboy hat does nothing to hide.

2:25 - cars are off pit road; however, we're not starting drinking until the green flag.

2:30 - Boogity, boogity, boogity! Let's go drinking!

2:33 - DW just used the term "competitiors," which from context I assume is supposed to be a portmanteau of "competitor" and "cooperator," but I have no fucking idea how.

2:39 - funny commercial: Mad Max-ed out alcoholics chase the 8 car across the desert in pursuit of beer. Look for a Home Depot commercial featuring Tony Stewart in Children of Men during next year's 500.

2:43 - Boris Said gets into David Reutimann, spins, no one seems to have been affected on an existential level.

2:46 - Apparently the new Dodge Nitro is also an IED.

2:53 - The Tony Stewart-Dale Earnhardt Jr. Axis of Bachelorhood is in full effect.

3:04 - Lonely, unsatisfied early middle-aged women still want to fuck Kasey Kahne.

3:14 - Fratricide! Kyle Busch helps former nemesis Tony Stewart pass brother Kurt.

3:20 - Or is it "cooptition"? It's still stupid and we don't care.

3:30 - Distinctly Red-State combination of NASCAR, KFC, and cheap domestic beer is making me slowly start hating queers, ragheads, and myself.

3:36 - Apparently, "it's become a global economy."

3:57 - Sweet, another Dale Earnhardt hagiography!

4:02 - Tony and Junior are totally down with the brothers!

4:46 - Holyshitholyshitholyshit!

5:03 - Tony Stewart said nothing passive-agressive about anyone. What is wrong with this world?

6: whatever - fuck Kevin Harvick. He should be sent to Guantanamo for beating the Army car and undermining the morale of our troops around the world.

Tha Five-Hunnerrrdddddd

This is gonna be short and to the point, due to the fact that TL East was up until 7 AM getting screwed up on rotgut bourbon.

Top 5
5.Martin
4.Johnson
3.Kyle Busch
2.Junior
1.Stewart

Also, I've got a feeling that Gordon is gonna get caught up in some bad shit if he can't get to the front early. And I think that Gilliland is going to give the M&M on his rear fender a reason to scream.

Boogity-Boogity-Boogity Boys...

Daytona: the Cash Rules Everything Around Me edition

So we've been meaning to say something about this whole Michael Waltrip debacle, which, for some reason that I'm not sure that I want to understand, was the leading news story (at least on CNN.com) for a good, solid two days. The problem is, what to say? Stripped down to its elementary particles, it's really not that exciting of a scandal. I mean, this shit happens pretty much every year. The only things that are particularly salient about Mikeygate is the egregiousness of the violation and the fact that NASCAR actually decided to dock points in addition to the standard crew chief suspension. There is also the fact that it happened to a Toyota team during the manufacturer's first Speedweeks, but I'm not sure to whom that might matter in the grand scheme of things.

So what really happened down at Daytona? Did the 55 team knowingly and shamelessly try to sneak the fuel additive past the officials, possibly acting on direct orders from the Charzanne Beauty College itself? Did a rogue crewman, whether David Hyder or someone else, act on his own initiative? Or is there another explanation? Let's conspiracy-theorize for a few minutes. Like Lenin and The Dude might say, just look for the man who stands to benefit from all the publicity surrounding the scandal. In this case, that would be NASCAR and Michael Waltrip, both of whom are thoroughly and completely addicted to publicity. Along with Waltrip is NAPA, whose logo gets another couple milion eyes on it every time that the story is on Sportcenter; farther back in the shadows are Toyota and the nation's motorsports press, who now have an excuse to run the same "if you ain't cheatin' you ain't tryin'" story that they do every year.

So, is Mikeygate a conspiracy? Probably not. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. It's weird, though, that the cheating would have happened during quals, which in and of themselves don't guarantee a starting spot in the 500 (one wonders if the punishment for the same offense committed during the Gatorade 150s would have been more stringent). Let's face it - the expectations for the 55 team and for that matter all of MWR are not very high going into 2007. It'll be interesting to see whether the deducted points will keep the 55 out of the top 35 after the first six races of the season.

One last word on Mikeygate: amusingly, another story we saw a lot of this week was the "if NASCAR was serious about cheating it would park drivers" story. Give us a fucking break. Everyone, which includes the motorsports press, knows that if NASCAR started suspending the Mikeys and Scott Riggses of this world, then there may well come a day when they would have to explain why Dale Jr. or Tony Stewart would not be parked for a similar offense. That's not going to happen. The paying customers - the fans, and more importantly, the sponsors - would revolt, which would be good for no one, in particular the France family's livelihood.

So that's that. I guess there's a Daytona 500 happening in a few hours. Everyone thinks that Tony Stewart is going to win, and with good reason. He's never won the 500 before, though he's won the Pepsi 400 two years running. Obviously, he's looked great since he got to Daytona Beach, and he has something to prove after missing the Chase next year. All of these facts are not ones that are going to be lost on the other 42 drivers, so I'd expect that some folks will be getting a little antsy when they see that orange blur in their rearview mirrors. He'll also have drafting help not only from his teammates but also friends Dale Jr. and Kasey Kahne. Barring the unforeseen, expect to see the 20 in Victory Lane as you struggle to stay conscious towards the tail end of your Sunday afternoon bender.

Of course, the unforeseen does have a way of taking place at Daytona, and it's rendered that much more likely this year by the number of drivers who have little or no superspeedway experience. Mark Martin will probably get caught up in it. In terms of predictions, I'm feeling guardedly optimistic about Yates' chances, and possibly one of the Penske cars; other than that, your usual plate-track suspects. Here, then, are your predictions for the 49th Daytona 500:

5. Rudd
4. Kurt Busch
3. Dale Jr.
2. Gordon
1. Stewart

And here are your predictions for the 2007 Chase for the Nextel Cup, in no particular order. We'll all have a good laugh at these come second Richmond.

1. Johnson
2. Earnhardt Jr.
3. Mears
4. Biffle
5. Gordon
6. Stewart
7. Kahne
8. Kenseth
9. Kurt Busch
10. Edwards
11. Harvick
12. Kyle Busch

There you have it. See you in 10 hours.

Mitt Romney... working-class hater..?

Saw Mitt Romney announce on C-SPAN tonight. Lots of platitiudes about America, land o' opportunity. Of course that would be opportunity without decent healthcare, education, and a fair chance at retirement. Mitt sure did seem to understand that these were the primary troubles facing our nation... especially if you happen to work for an auto company on life support. Which makes since, seeing as he was announcing at the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, MI. What makes less since are his remarks denouncing the failure of the Welfare State (especially in Europe, where he missionaried for 2.5 years), considering the fair amount of African-Americans in the audience. Of course, since the entire contingent seemed consigned to the back of the crowd, maybe he figured their silence wouldn't matter. And it mightn't have, except for the fact that C-SPAN's camera focused on that segment of the crowd right before Mitt hated on the so-called welfare state. I'd imagine that his people might also be backpedaling from his assertion that, basically, those who hate on globalization and free markets are a bunch of unAmerican pussies. Let's just say I wasn't shocked that that particular applause line flew about as well as a lead balloon. For Christsakes Mitt, this ain't a Toyota preseason NASCAR rally, it's a museum named for THE captain of the American automobile assembly line. One could make the argument that his 5 dollar day led to the entire working class getting a fair shake from industry. Seeing as globalization might well be leading the Ford factory worker to reduced pay and benefits I'm baffled as to why you and your cronies would try to make this phenomena an applause line.

Don't call it a comeback...no, seriously, don't

Yeah, so we're back for '07, motherfuckers. How did we spend our off-season? Well, we'll explain with this SAT-style analogy:

Turning Left staff : cheap whiskey :: #16 Ford Fusion : Turn 2 at Las Vegas

Now that that's cleared up, here's what happened in NASCAR:

- A bunch of points system changes that will expand the Chase field, award more points for wins, and do a bunch of other confusing stuff. Don't worry if it's not all clear quite yet, because later this year or the next a popular driver will miss the Chase and the rules will change again. NASCAR, you have to remember, is an empire now, and they create their own reality. All of this means that David Ragan is going to be in the chase before the end of this decade.

- Dale Jr. and Teresa are engaged in some sort of hard-fought negotiations over Junior's ownership stake at DEI. It sounds all corporate and complicated and shit, but in the end one gets the impression that it's a multimillion dollar variant of the "my daddy ain't buy this trailer for you before he passed and you sure as shit ain't my mama" dispute that's played out hundreds of times on any given day in certain parts of this great country of ours.

- Speaking of which, DEI's new president is a black Jew who's worked with Jay-Z.

- Speaking of which, this happened.

- Travis Kvapil has begun the process of transforming the NCTS into his prison bitch.

- There was a Budweiser Shootout in which basically nothing happened. A Toyota (Dale Jarrett's) started on the pole, then sunk like a stone through the field. Tony Stewart won after a perfectly executed bump'n'run on Kyle Busch; Junior caused a mini-Big One at the race's end for no apparent reason.

- Jack Roush kept remembering Pearl Harbor.

- Everyone is still cold hating on the Car of Tomorrow.

- Ray "The Crocker-Fucker" Evernham managed to get all three of his cars penalized for technical malfeasance during quals for the 500. NASCAR pretended to care a little harder than they usually do and handed out some point deductions along with the requisite crew chief suspensions. Matt Kenseth and Michael Waltrip got caught doing various questionable things as well.

- Speaking of Ray Evernham, Erin Crocker is still incompetent.

- The Freemasons are sponsoring a Busch car; announcement of an Illuminati/Trilateral Commission Craftsman truck expected soon.

- While Evernham is going down the shitter - well, probably not; if recent history is any indication, Kasey Kahne will win the Daytona 500 - the newly sugared-up (Mars, Inc. brands are now the primary sponsors of both the 88 and the 38) Yates is making a comeback and probably doesn't mind if you call it that. David Gilliland finished second in the Shootout and won the pole for the 500 itself, while Ricky Rudd, driving the 88, won the outside pole. Absolutely no one expects them to carry this momentum to anywhere outside the Daytona Beach city limits, but then again, there's nothing Americans love like an unlikely, scrappy team of unknowns and has-beens coming together in defiance of the odds and rescuing their father from old-school Abu Graib or something.

- Mark Martin is now in the #01 Army car, which we have a feeling has something to do with the Iraq surge and will probably prove to be the most successful element thereof.

- A couple people died.

- A few more probably will soon.

- White people are still awkward, stupid.

That's about it - consider yourself caught the fuck up. See you after the 150s, when we'll be back with the first preds of the '07 season.