Drunkblogging the 500: this is how we do

(All times Central because we will be in no shape to add an hour to anything by the time that this is over.)

2:20 - did the minister of choice just ask the Almighty to bless the France family during the pre-race invocation?

2:23 - Nicolas Cage is visibly hungover, a fact that the cowboy hat does nothing to hide.

2:25 - cars are off pit road; however, we're not starting drinking until the green flag.

2:30 - Boogity, boogity, boogity! Let's go drinking!

2:33 - DW just used the term "competitiors," which from context I assume is supposed to be a portmanteau of "competitor" and "cooperator," but I have no fucking idea how.

2:39 - funny commercial: Mad Max-ed out alcoholics chase the 8 car across the desert in pursuit of beer. Look for a Home Depot commercial featuring Tony Stewart in Children of Men during next year's 500.

2:43 - Boris Said gets into David Reutimann, spins, no one seems to have been affected on an existential level.

2:46 - Apparently the new Dodge Nitro is also an IED.

2:53 - The Tony Stewart-Dale Earnhardt Jr. Axis of Bachelorhood is in full effect.

3:04 - Lonely, unsatisfied early middle-aged women still want to fuck Kasey Kahne.

3:14 - Fratricide! Kyle Busch helps former nemesis Tony Stewart pass brother Kurt.

3:20 - Or is it "cooptition"? It's still stupid and we don't care.

3:30 - Distinctly Red-State combination of NASCAR, KFC, and cheap domestic beer is making me slowly start hating queers, ragheads, and myself.

3:36 - Apparently, "it's become a global economy."

3:57 - Sweet, another Dale Earnhardt hagiography!

4:02 - Tony and Junior are totally down with the brothers!

4:46 - Holyshitholyshitholyshit!

5:03 - Tony Stewart said nothing passive-agressive about anyone. What is wrong with this world?

6: whatever - fuck Kevin Harvick. He should be sent to Guantanamo for beating the Army car and undermining the morale of our troops around the world.