How bad have you got it?

Not as bad as NASCAR Dad here. NASCAR Dad's got it about as bad as he had it when he got that case of crabs while on shore leave in Manila back in '78.






In NASCAR Dad's defense, our reaction would have been roughly the same if we hadn't been so hungover that particular Sunday.

Turning Left Editorial Staff text message exchange

from the Ford 400, right after Juan Pablo Montoya crashed and caught fire:

SPT: wow, that racecar is literally en fuego
SPH: What do Lou Dobbs & Ryan Newman have in common? both hate immigrants trying to take American jobs.

Pre-Race Top 5 - Ford 400

Damn you Jimmie Johnson. Damn your coporate, middle-manager good looks. Damn your cheating bastard of a crew chief. Damn your soul crushing consistancy.

That being said, it is time the 48 team took home one of these championship deals. No matter how much disdane you might have for the man, you have to admire his ability to be competitive every single race, no matter the track. Sort of a rich-man's Tony Stewart...

Speaking of soul-crushing, the Homestead-Miami Speedway can be seen as the antithesis to everything good and holy about Nascar. For one thing, the entire project was concieved in the wake of Hurricane Andrew. Built upon the wasteland left behind, HMS strove to eliminate the downhome feel and on-track variability of Nascar's older Southern tracks for a more perfect racing experience. The speedway prides itself as "the most beautiful racing facility anywhere on the planet," with its Art Deco architecture, and its fancy, computer designed vairable-banked turns. We can't imagine why Nascar would chose to hold its season-culminating race at a track where the best things going are the 15 different species of palm trees. We do, however, enjoy that the folks at HMS like to brag that the power to illuminate the track could light up 17,143 blocks with residential street lighting in South Florida. I'm sure Jim-Bob in the West Virgina Appalacians is happy to hear about that responsible use of energy while he's trying to heat the doublewide against winter's chill.

As for the race, it is entirely possible that something will occur to bring the Chasers not named Jimmy within reach of the title, although they'll fall short in the end. Unlike Mark Martin, Johnson won't be content until he wins his first title, which will happen today. Kenseth will run up front, and someone from Roush will put a Fusion in victory lane, saving the embarassment of a Monte Carlo winning Ford's title event.

5.Johnson
4.Kahne
3.Harvick
2.Kenseth
1.Edwards

Race Predz - Homestead/End of Season Edition

Well, unless Brian Vickers takes our advice, Jimmie Johnson will, by this time tomorrow, have become a Nextel Cup champion, House Majority Whip, Grand Viceroy of the Mesopotamian Provinces, etc., etc. We predicted weeks ago that this would be pretty a much a fait accompli by the time we got to Homestead, so we've had time to get used to it, and, well, you know, whatevs. Regardless of your opinion of Johnson, you have to admit he's had a pretty damn fine season, as well as that the 48 team seems to have something figured out that the other folks don't. (Although, as a poster on the ESPN boards has noticed, the 48 has had an awful lot of 2nd-place finishes in the Chase - almost all the points of wins and none of the post-race inspections.)

Of course, something unexpected or insane could still happen tomorrow, and we kind of hope it does. Also, Kenseth won the Busch race tonight, which we can't help think will translate into some sort of momentum in the Cup race. Look for the 17 to work with the 16, who's won at Homestead both of the last two years. And maybe McMurray will be delegated to do the hit job on Johnson or something, since Ragan didn't make the show (Roush had entered seven (!) cars, his five regulars and two development drivers). But probably not. If I were a betting man, I'd bet that the last day of the season, like the first and many between the two, will not be a happy one for the haters of the 48.

Your last top 5 for a few months:

5. Kahne
4. Johnson
3. Biffle
2. Harvick
3. Kenseth

The Passion of the Vickers

So, Brian Vickers. Here we are, last race of the season. The last time you'll take the track as a member of Hendrick Motorsports. Thing is, though, Brian, it seems like it's been a while since you've really been a member of the team at all. Oh, they promised you big things, Brian, they promised you good equipment and top-5 finishes and the love and devotion of thousands, no, millions of freckled blonde Southern girls with big brown eyes and accents that sprawl like the green fields of your native Carolinas. What happened to those things, Brian? When your friend Ricky died on that Virginia mountainside, your pain was open and infinite - but why was it that after he was gone, you were the one that was forgotten? Gordon and Johnson and even Busch were given what they needed to win - why weren't you? And after you did the prudent and honorable thing by announcing that you were heading for greener pastures, why did they lock you out of those meetings? Why did they leave you at the airport where in the past, you would have traveled in their planes? Why did Jeff Gordon feel like he could dictate when you could and could not race him hard, for position? You don't have four championships; you're a young man still trying to make a name for himself. Why does he get to tell you what to do? And why does Chad Knaus get to humiliate you on national television for trying to help the 48 execute a risky maneuver at Talladega? It doesn't seem fair to us, Brian. And we know that it doesn't seem fair to you.

Well, Brian, this Sunday, there's something you can do about it, isn't there? And you know what that something is, don't you? Oh, sure, Johnson will weep and curse, but in the end, he will grasp the justice of it all. And you'll go on TV and say hey, it wasn't intentional. Took the air off his car, was what happened. Or use Gordon's own "didn't know he was there" defense. Hell, just one of them racin' deals. And you will smile and look contrite for the cameras, but their Golden Boy Johnson and their prima donna Gordon - they will know. And they will know that it was their own doing. And in February, when you take the track on the sacred asphalt of Daytona in your shiny new Toyota, they will finally respect you. Oderint dum metuant, Brian. Let them hate as long as they fear. Do it, Brian Vickers. You and your strawberry-scented race car. Your cause is as just as any that ever has existed.

And screwing your sister is the new bass fishing

Heard on NPR's On Point this morning:

"Professional, televised bass fishing is the new NASCAR."

We worry, at points, about The Culture.

Pre-Race Top 5 - Checker Auto Parts 500

Before digging into this weeks race I'd like to offer the good folks at the Miccosukee Resort my sincere condolences on missing out on the Phoenix field. I'm not quite sure what you were thinking putting Mayfield in the 09, seeing as he only qualified 28th in the spring race. And that was in solid equipment, before the whole Evernham feud. Anyways, I'm happy to report that my Over/Under on retired rides for the Dickies 500 was spot on. I predicted eight wouldn't see the finish and eight is how many were parked by the end of the day. Once you get a sportsbook up and running, have your people call my people, and we'll deal...

Phoenix International Raceway is one of my favorite tracks on the Nextel circuit. The oddly shaped oval, with its varied banking (both straightaways and turns), remind me of a dirt track. Even the facility itself seems more suited to a World of Outlaws type crowd, with an austere pressbox, lights, baby-blue retaining walls, and overlooking sand mountain. I think that most of the drivers would agree with the comparison, especially with how they whip around the mile track, slideways as often as not. I caught a bit of the Truck race and those guys were simultaneously getting loose, trading paint, and getting their handle back. Seeing as the Nextel cars aren't exactly nimble, and the Chase ends next week, the Checker Auto Parts 500 should be a lot of fun.

5.Junior
4.Tony Stewart
3.Kyle Busch
2.Kevin Harvick
1.Matt Kenseth

O/U 5

Texas Thumpin'

Leave it to George Dubya to drop a good ole' boyism that perfectly describes not only the outcome of last Tuesday's election, but also Tony Stewart's Dickies 500 victory.

Yes, the Donkey rode high in the 2006 national election, mule-kicking a number of Republican incumbents to the curb. Most importantly to Nascar fans, U.S. Senators were elected in states that hold 17 races on the Nextel Cup schedule (CA, MI, VA, PA, DE, FL, NY). Nascar Dad and his ilk might find it more comfortable to stick to races in Arizona, Texas, Tennessee, Indiana, and Nevada, where Republicans took the checkers in the Senate elections. He might want to leave his wife behind for the Bristol dates, as Harold Ford is going to have a lot of time on his hands for procreatin' with the white women.

Happy as all of us at Turning-Left are for the Democrats, we'd like to remind them that winning a midterm election, however much of as asskicking it might be, mustn't distract from the goal of regaining the White House in '08. Kevin Harvick's current situation reads like a cautionary tale for the Dems. His great success in the Busch series obviously has him on an emotional high but most certainly has distracted him from performing at his highest level. After posting Top 5's in 42% of the pre-Chase races, his placed Top 5 in only 25% of the Chase races. While his Top 10 performance has held (54-50%) he's also finished worse than 30th in 25% of Chase races. Basically Harvick's run himself from possible Championship favorite to Chase has-been for continued success in a second tier racing series. I really don't give a damn that his car was undefeated until today's race at Phoenix, nor that he's trying to break a record for single season Busch Series wins. How does all this fuzzy math relate to the Dems chances for the Oval in '08? Picture the U.S. Congress running well their first year in office, passing legislation that matters to the race fans (i.e. voters), and figuring out this Iraq deal. The approval numbers open up and instead of gearing governmental operations to winning the Oval, they try to run up the score with a few timely "oversight investigations" and the introduction of a bill on some issue (Medicare?) that may as well be saved for the next Congress. Slowly but surely their handle on the electorate starts to go and the next thing you know they're looking out their right side window, trying to straighten out and not hit the damn wall. Hopefully they'll realize that the post-election hangover is a helluva a lot more fun when you win the big one.

As for the thumpin' that occurred in the Dickies 500, well, that is what it was. Stewart was a man among boys. Actually, my meditation on the whole Nextel circuit, and perhaps racing in general, is that every single driver, crew member, and owner are nothing more than a bunch of overgrown boys. Jeff Gordon is marrying another model. The Riggs crew upends not only Harvick, but his wife. Ray Evernham decides to devote his time to crushing on a young redhead instead of keeping his Nextel team in Chase contention. Even Brian France is getting into the act, mistaking a parking lot for the Bristol Bullring. Meanwhile Michael Waltrip, one of the sport's most polished drivers from a public speaking perspective, is making bizarre, unintelligible comments on Inside Nextel Cup. Actual quote - "I think it's interesting Tony Stewart climbed the fence and Doogie Houser came out of the closet the same week."

Maybe, hell, most likely this phenomena is nothing new, but I never really realized its depths until now. The most grown up people on the entire Dickies telecast were the kids in the ad for the Ford Rouge Factory Tour. Wandering though a living monument to Detroit's past economic relevance, even preeminence, does sound fucking A-Awesome. It does not seem to be the type of thing that would cause 10 year olds to exclaim, "it's like Disney World!" Talk about pragmatism. Talk about disingenuous. Them boys were looking to get paid and nothing more. Now that's grown up.

Victory Laps, Part I and II

Well. Turning Left, indeed. That's right, boys and girls: this week the Democratic Party delivered a firm, unambiguous bitch-slap to George W. Bush and the conservative wing of the Republican party by winning back both houses of Congress and a fuck-ton of governorships. Among those to go down, though holding on bravely until the bitter end, was Macaca Allen. Unconfirmed: Nancy Pelosi has dedicated the win to "the haters of the 48."

Are you there, NASCAR Dad? It's us, Turning Left. Stop sending these fucktards to Washington in the first place if you don't want this to happen again.

Two days before that, I guess there was another kind of race, namely, the Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. We chose to stick with PRN for our race day coverage needs, hoping for more awkward historical metaphors, and were rewarded when an announcer mused that "the last time somethig so one-sided [as Tony Stewart's dominance] happened at Texas was at the Alamo." Which, I guess, means that Tony Stewart is actually a horde of Mexicans. And that's cool with us.

Some of our predictions came true; some did not. What couldn't have been predicted was the macaca'ing of Scott Riggs by Kevin Harvick and the ensuing garage violence. We found some stuff to call bullshit on in that whole story:

1. Harvick didn't mean to wreck Riggs. Bullshit. Everyone knows that Harvick is an impatient bully, and not only that, an impatient bully in the Chase for the Cup. Yet, he still maintains that he only took the air off of the 10. Buuuullshit.

Actually, Harvick kind of reminds us of George Allen a little: Californian, general all-around prick, likes to parade family members in inappropriate situations, loses his shit when in clutch situations. Also, since we're totally dropping shoutouts to children's fiction this week, he also makes us think of fellow Bakersfield native Leigh Botts, the protagonist of Beverly Cleary's Dear Mr. Henshaw. Only not the sensitive, thoughtful Leigh Botts who writes letters to his favorite author. More like the Leigh Botts who, after a lifetime of living in a trailer with Mom after her divorce from philandering, truck-driving Dad, has reached high school and now has a meth habit and a tricked-out '79 Camaro and who is not going to take your fucking shit anymore.

2. NASCAR-mandated suspension and fine for the involved Riggs crewman: look, just because Ray Evernham is an employee-fucking cheater of epic proportions doesn't mean he can't take care of his teams' personnel problems. I mean, I know I wasn't there, but if Delana hadn't been involved, something tells me that nothing would have happened. Also, indefinite suspension? When Jeff Gordon shoved Kenseth after first Bristol this year, was he suspended indefinitely? No, he wasn't. He was put on a probation which, as we found out at Chicagoland, was completely meaningless. Jeff Gordon is a multimillionaire and a Cup champion, both several times over. Scott Riggs' crewman is a redneck whose job is carrying tires and who probably makes very low five figures. One of these two people should really know better much more so than the other, but in the world of NASCAR justice, that's not the same person that gets the more draconian punishment. Bullshit.

And anyway, let's face it, people get emotional when six figures' worth of equipment as well as the life and limb of a driver are unnecessarily placed in harm's way. Fighting is just a part of NASCAR, always has been. Or at least it was before the commie gay liberal PC Democrats took over and made every driver get sensitivity training, right before his mandatory gay marriage. That segues us into...

3. Section 12-4-A: Actions detrimental to stock car racing. The way that 12-4-A is applied these days, I bet that the fight at the end of the 1979 Daytona 500 would probably count as an infraction. That bit of post-race violence was real detrimental to stock car racing - put the whole fucking sport on the national map. 12-4-A covers anything and everything these days. One is tempted to reimagine Joseph Heller: "There was only one Section, and that was Section 12-4-A." Seriously: save 12-4-A for when it's deserved, like the next time Jack Roush decides to send David Ragan out on the track.

While we're on the subject of the rules: can we get rid of the goddamned past Champion's Provisional? Listening to the Terry Labonte hagiographies on Sunday really brought home to us how depressing it is when new teams send out past champions in shitty equipment to build owner points. Seriously. Bill Elliott, for example, has made a tragic spectacle of himself this year in the fittingly numbered #00, and if something is not done, the same fate awaits Dale Jarrett and Texas Terry's brother Bobby, although Bobby already races shitty equipment, anyway. I mean, as SPH pointed out below, the COT should, theoretically, level the playing field somewhat, and it will be easier for newer teams to get into the show on speed anyway. Just get rid of it.

Speaking of Bobby L., stay tuned for the next post, where we will talk about how Bobby Labonte is completely batshit insane, and not just for agreeing to get behind the wheel of the 43.

Turning Left Update

So our race recaps this week are late. Why? Because it's motherfucking Election Week, that's why. You'll get 'em once our post-Tuesday nights hangovers clear, which should be sometime around 6 PM EST on Thursday. We'll have some good stuff for you - tons of stuff on the resurgent Stewart, the points picture heading into the homestretch, probably a little bit of Silly Season action, and the macaca'ing of Scott Riggs. Until then, though, you pretty much just have to bear the fuck with us.

Speaking of Macaca - a little something to tide you over, namely, a picture of Tony Stewart doing his best George Allen imitation:

Pre-Race Top 5 - Dickies 500

Watching Mark Martin's Chase hopes getting their grave pissed on, having already been buried, troubled me greatly. Especially since the pisser wasn't a real person but rather Tony Raines. Upon further examination, however, I've absolved Raines of some of the blame. Around NASCAR, Martin is known to be a cursed man. The story goes that if someone gave Mark Martin a golden horseshoe he'd just end up dropping it and breaking his foot. This week's sponsor, Dickies, uses a golden horseshoe as it's logo. Frankly, I think God, the fates, or what have you, hate Mark with a passion. I can't even be that pissed at the crew from Hall of Fame Racing for forcing Martin to his backup ride. It's simply one of those deals when the 6 team is fucked no matter what. Hell, even their driver for next year might be cursed. If not with bad luck then with mediocre driving skills (it takes an awful lot to push Ken Schrader to the brink of committing a capital offense with a blunt-force object).

As the 2006 Chase winds down I feel compelled to invoke a line heard on Speed's promos for NASCAR Raceday. "You're going to see a lot of desperate people doing a lot of desperate things." Texas Motor Speedway is the last "run wide open" track on the schedule, and the conglomeration of Chasers, winless rooks, and a past Champion retiring on home turf mean carnage, carnage, and more carnage. I'm placing the over/under on retired cars at eight. Also, I think that the over/under on retired cars should be on the board at my online bookie (polesitter Vickers is currently listed as 30-1 to win). A Chase contender or two will become intimate with the retaining wall courtesy of a deal they had absolutely nothing to do with. Kenseth fans should start drinking early. Strange as it sounds, Riggs or Mears will be in contention for a victory. Vickers will not. And at the end of the day the usual suspects will round out the top 5.

5.Mears
4.Johnson
3.Kahne
2.Stewart
1.Earnhardt, Jr.

Texas picks, y'all

Before we get to the actual predictions, I've felt all this week that I should say something about the Robby Gordon debacle from Atlanta, but, honestly, I really don't care all that much. Though I think that Robby should really have hired whoever's doing Ted Haggard's PR: "Well, I removed the roll-bar padding, but I never threw it. Every race car driver must confront temptation, you see." Also, semantically problematic line of the week, courtesy of NASCAR press flack Kerry Tharp: "It is a very serious matter when a team attempts to manipulate the outcome of a race." Very serious. Uh, Kerry, isn't the act of competing in a race technically an attempt to manipulate its' outcome? Specifically, by attempting to make the outcome a victory for yourself?

But no matter. What matters is that tomorrow, forty three drivers will attempt to manipulate the outcome of the Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. Brian Vickers and his strawberry-scented car are on the pole. Our first prediction is this: 3 races left in the Chase + very fast track + tight points situation + the general atmosphere of simmering resentment and vengeance that the circuit has been in for most of the season = insanity and death. Look for these things to happen: 1) one of the Chasers still in contention having his season definitively and spectacularly ended, probably Burton but maybe Junior 2) unnecessary chances being taken all day long by people who really should know better and 3) a big wreck as a result of something stupid, a la the 18 and the 6 at Charlotte or the 9 and the 40 at Atlanta. As for actual track position - I don't know, take the usual 1.5 mile suspects, toss 'em in a bag, account for variables (Martin crashed in practice, is running the backup car; Kenseth is starting way the hell down in the grid, all the way at 36th) and pull five out at random:

5. Kyle Busch
4. Stewart
3. Earnhardt, Jr.
2. Johnson
1. Kahne

See y'all on Sunday.