Victory Laps, Part I and II
Well. Turning Left, indeed. That's right, boys and girls: this week the Democratic Party delivered a firm, unambiguous bitch-slap to George W. Bush and the conservative wing of the Republican party by winning back both houses of Congress and a fuck-ton of governorships. Among those to go down, though holding on bravely until the bitter end, was Macaca Allen. Unconfirmed: Nancy Pelosi has dedicated the win to "the haters of the 48."
Are you there, NASCAR Dad? It's us, Turning Left. Stop sending these fucktards to Washington in the first place if you don't want this to happen again.
Two days before that, I guess there was another kind of race, namely, the Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. We chose to stick with PRN for our race day coverage needs, hoping for more awkward historical metaphors, and were rewarded when an announcer mused that "the last time somethig so one-sided [as Tony Stewart's dominance] happened at Texas was at the Alamo." Which, I guess, means that Tony Stewart is actually a horde of Mexicans. And that's cool with us.
Some of our predictions came true; some did not. What couldn't have been predicted was the macaca'ing of Scott Riggs by Kevin Harvick and the ensuing garage violence. We found some stuff to call bullshit on in that whole story:
1. Harvick didn't mean to wreck Riggs. Bullshit. Everyone knows that Harvick is an impatient bully, and not only that, an impatient bully in the Chase for the Cup. Yet, he still maintains that he only took the air off of the 10. Buuuullshit.
Actually, Harvick kind of reminds us of George Allen a little: Californian, general all-around prick, likes to parade family members in inappropriate situations, loses his shit when in clutch situations. Also, since we're totally dropping shoutouts to children's fiction this week, he also makes us think of fellow Bakersfield native Leigh Botts, the protagonist of Beverly Cleary's Dear Mr. Henshaw. Only not the sensitive, thoughtful Leigh Botts who writes letters to his favorite author. More like the Leigh Botts who, after a lifetime of living in a trailer with Mom after her divorce from philandering, truck-driving Dad, has reached high school and now has a meth habit and a tricked-out '79 Camaro and who is not going to take your fucking shit anymore.
2. NASCAR-mandated suspension and fine for the involved Riggs crewman: look, just because Ray Evernham is an employee-fucking cheater of epic proportions doesn't mean he can't take care of his teams' personnel problems. I mean, I know I wasn't there, but if Delana hadn't been involved, something tells me that nothing would have happened. Also, indefinite suspension? When Jeff Gordon shoved Kenseth after first Bristol this year, was he suspended indefinitely? No, he wasn't. He was put on a probation which, as we found out at Chicagoland, was completely meaningless. Jeff Gordon is a multimillionaire and a Cup champion, both several times over. Scott Riggs' crewman is a redneck whose job is carrying tires and who probably makes very low five figures. One of these two people should really know better much more so than the other, but in the world of NASCAR justice, that's not the same person that gets the more draconian punishment. Bullshit.
And anyway, let's face it, people get emotional when six figures' worth of equipment as well as the life and limb of a driver are unnecessarily placed in harm's way. Fighting is just a part of NASCAR, always has been. Or at least it was before the commie gay liberal PC Democrats took over and made every driver get sensitivity training, right before his mandatory gay marriage. That segues us into...
3. Section 12-4-A: Actions detrimental to stock car racing. The way that 12-4-A is applied these days, I bet that the fight at the end of the 1979 Daytona 500 would probably count as an infraction. That bit of post-race violence was real detrimental to stock car racing - put the whole fucking sport on the national map. 12-4-A covers anything and everything these days. One is tempted to reimagine Joseph Heller: "There was only one Section, and that was Section 12-4-A." Seriously: save 12-4-A for when it's deserved, like the next time Jack Roush decides to send David Ragan out on the track.
While we're on the subject of the rules: can we get rid of the goddamned past Champion's Provisional? Listening to the Terry Labonte hagiographies on Sunday really brought home to us how depressing it is when new teams send out past champions in shitty equipment to build owner points. Seriously. Bill Elliott, for example, has made a tragic spectacle of himself this year in the fittingly numbered #00, and if something is not done, the same fate awaits Dale Jarrett and Texas Terry's brother Bobby, although Bobby already races shitty equipment, anyway. I mean, as SPH pointed out below, the COT should, theoretically, level the playing field somewhat, and it will be easier for newer teams to get into the show on speed anyway. Just get rid of it.
Speaking of Bobby L., stay tuned for the next post, where we will talk about how Bobby Labonte is completely batshit insane, and not just for agreeing to get behind the wheel of the 43.
Are you there, NASCAR Dad? It's us, Turning Left. Stop sending these fucktards to Washington in the first place if you don't want this to happen again.
Two days before that, I guess there was another kind of race, namely, the Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. We chose to stick with PRN for our race day coverage needs, hoping for more awkward historical metaphors, and were rewarded when an announcer mused that "the last time somethig so one-sided [as Tony Stewart's dominance] happened at Texas was at the Alamo." Which, I guess, means that Tony Stewart is actually a horde of Mexicans. And that's cool with us.
Some of our predictions came true; some did not. What couldn't have been predicted was the macaca'ing of Scott Riggs by Kevin Harvick and the ensuing garage violence. We found some stuff to call bullshit on in that whole story:
1. Harvick didn't mean to wreck Riggs. Bullshit. Everyone knows that Harvick is an impatient bully, and not only that, an impatient bully in the Chase for the Cup. Yet, he still maintains that he only took the air off of the 10. Buuuullshit.
Actually, Harvick kind of reminds us of George Allen a little: Californian, general all-around prick, likes to parade family members in inappropriate situations, loses his shit when in clutch situations. Also, since we're totally dropping shoutouts to children's fiction this week, he also makes us think of fellow Bakersfield native Leigh Botts, the protagonist of Beverly Cleary's Dear Mr. Henshaw. Only not the sensitive, thoughtful Leigh Botts who writes letters to his favorite author. More like the Leigh Botts who, after a lifetime of living in a trailer with Mom after her divorce from philandering, truck-driving Dad, has reached high school and now has a meth habit and a tricked-out '79 Camaro and who is not going to take your fucking shit anymore.
2. NASCAR-mandated suspension and fine for the involved Riggs crewman: look, just because Ray Evernham is an employee-fucking cheater of epic proportions doesn't mean he can't take care of his teams' personnel problems. I mean, I know I wasn't there, but if Delana hadn't been involved, something tells me that nothing would have happened. Also, indefinite suspension? When Jeff Gordon shoved Kenseth after first Bristol this year, was he suspended indefinitely? No, he wasn't. He was put on a probation which, as we found out at Chicagoland, was completely meaningless. Jeff Gordon is a multimillionaire and a Cup champion, both several times over. Scott Riggs' crewman is a redneck whose job is carrying tires and who probably makes very low five figures. One of these two people should really know better much more so than the other, but in the world of NASCAR justice, that's not the same person that gets the more draconian punishment. Bullshit.
And anyway, let's face it, people get emotional when six figures' worth of equipment as well as the life and limb of a driver are unnecessarily placed in harm's way. Fighting is just a part of NASCAR, always has been. Or at least it was before the commie gay liberal PC Democrats took over and made every driver get sensitivity training, right before his mandatory gay marriage. That segues us into...
3. Section 12-4-A: Actions detrimental to stock car racing. The way that 12-4-A is applied these days, I bet that the fight at the end of the 1979 Daytona 500 would probably count as an infraction. That bit of post-race violence was real detrimental to stock car racing - put the whole fucking sport on the national map. 12-4-A covers anything and everything these days. One is tempted to reimagine Joseph Heller: "There was only one Section, and that was Section 12-4-A." Seriously: save 12-4-A for when it's deserved, like the next time Jack Roush decides to send David Ragan out on the track.
While we're on the subject of the rules: can we get rid of the goddamned past Champion's Provisional? Listening to the Terry Labonte hagiographies on Sunday really brought home to us how depressing it is when new teams send out past champions in shitty equipment to build owner points. Seriously. Bill Elliott, for example, has made a tragic spectacle of himself this year in the fittingly numbered #00, and if something is not done, the same fate awaits Dale Jarrett and Texas Terry's brother Bobby, although Bobby already races shitty equipment, anyway. I mean, as SPH pointed out below, the COT should, theoretically, level the playing field somewhat, and it will be easier for newer teams to get into the show on speed anyway. Just get rid of it.
Speaking of Bobby L., stay tuned for the next post, where we will talk about how Bobby Labonte is completely batshit insane, and not just for agreeing to get behind the wheel of the 43.
posted by SPT at 2:21 AM
1 Comments:
Yes, Kevin Harvick aka George Allen is a prick who does bad, stupid shit all the time.
But he's kind of like Saddam Hussein. I mean, you shouldn't like him, you know you shouldn't like him...but there he is, looking adorable eating Cool Ranch Doritos. Some things in life just don't make sense.
http://tonyfreakingstewart.blogspot.com/
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