Martinsville: Dazed and Confused

So, the thing is, there comes a point in the Cup season where one's mind wanders. It comes at almost always the same point, sometime late in March, a day on which one realizes that the novelty of white people turning left has once more worn off, and that every single storyline in Nextel Cup that was supposed to hold us captive this season has totally gone to shit. Think about it: the MWR/Rise of the Toyotas storyline is fucked. There isn't a single Toyota in the whole top 35, and Waltrip himself has made one and only one race. The resurgent Tony Stewart storyline's not going anywhere. The "Everyone's Going To Kill David Ragan" storyline definitely isn't going anywhere, for some reason. The Year of the Evernham storyline might be going somewhere, but it certainly isn't hurrying. Pretty much the only one still going strong is the "Will Junior Blow One Engine Too Many and Leave DEI" story. And that one isn't that interesting, aside from the fact that unlike most Cup stories, they don't involve black Jews.
So it's sort of inevitable that a certain sense of fatigue sets in. We've seen everything already: a superspeedway, a 2-mile, a couple 1.5s, a short track...at this point, what else is there? What will you give us, NASCAR, that is new, frightening, and vicious?
Usually the answer to that comes at Talladega, but sometimes it comes at Martinsville, and we're hoping that tomorrow will bring precisely that. Mostly, we all bout the drama: at this point last year there were three active feuds going (Stewart vs. Kyle Busch, Stewart vs. Kenseth, Gordon vs. Kenseth) and now there are none worth mentioning. What we want to see tomorrow is:

* Jeremy Mayfield trying to express his realization of the futility of the self by putting the 19 into the wall

*Denny Hamlin finally pissing somebody off, hopefully someone particularly passive-aggressive

* the winner not being from Hendrick

What we can expect to look forward to in reality, though, is the 11 and the 24 fighting it out for the lead all day long. The 5 and the 29 will probably be contenders, and DEI looked pretty good in both practices. All in all it should be the kind of fun that feels so right that it can't be wrong. Your top 5:

5. Harvick
4. Gordon
3. Kyle Busch
2. Junior
1. Hamlin

So I drive on over to Bristol, bitches, niggaz put away your pistols

So today is first Bristol, a good excuse as any to spend a Sunday drunk and yelling at the television. It's also the first race for the minority-approved Car of Whenever. It's supposed to equalize the competition and shit; we'll see about that. The starting grid looks pretty much like it usually does, so we're not expecting anything out of the ordinary, with the exception of the possibility of Matt Kenseth and Jeff Gordon beating each other with the detachable wings from their respective cars. Thankfully, ordinary at Bristol means hatred, viciousness, and vendettas that last for years, so there's that. We've been thinking that the circuit is overdue for a new winner - there were only two last year, and that's even if you count Brian Vickers' bullshit win at Dega - but that's probably not going to happen in Thunder Valley. We're banking on a comeback for the 8 team today, though not literally, because most situations in which money is staked on the reliability of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. do not end well. The usual suspects will run up front:

5. Johnson
4. Harvick
3. Kenseth
2. Kahne, cause why not?
1. Junior

Kobalt Tools 500

Welcome to Atlanta where the players play
And we ride on dem thangs like ev-ery day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangsters roamin
And parties dont stop 'til eight in the mo'nin

Mr. Dupree might have a point about this weeks race at Atlanta Motor Speedway.
Players like Dale Jr. and Kasey will be riding up front all day while the original gangster,
Kevin Harvick, bides his time roaming around the middle of the pack after his crappy
qualifying run.  All the while the infield figures to look like something out of a Girls Gone
Wild video.

Top 5
5.Martin
4.Junior
3.Kahne
2.Johnson
1.Kyle Busch 

Vegas is awesome because:

1. 4 cars are off the track by lap 20; at this rate, every single car in the field will be in the garage by lap 215.

2. The Greg Biffle craps tutorial was the greatest pre-race filler segment I've ever seen. Although Biffle is a pretty good actor by Cup driver standards, there was no mistaking the insane, savage greed in his eyes as anything but real. I fully expect to run into him throwing dice in an alley sometime. Will someone please let us know if and when it shows up on YouTube?

3. The Busch brothers' obsession with winning on their home track causes them to do some really, really stupid shit when racing each other. Expect that story to have a simulataneously tragic and hilarious denouement.

We understand that the new Nextel Cup is all about safety, a point the knuckleheads over at Trackside Live are contractually obligated to mention at least 10 times every broadcast. Still, race car drivers complaining about going too fast? We find that to be absurd, especially considering speeds back in the good ole days of the late Eighties topped out around 210 mph. And them fellas didn't have no fancy Safer Barriers or HANS devices. What would Dale tell the Stewart, Gordon and the rest of the NASCAR Nextel Crybabies? Probably something along the lines of "wrap a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants don't bite your candy ass." For once I'd have to agree whole-heartedly with what Michael Waltrip spouted forth on Trading Paint this Friday. "We're race car drivers, we get paid to go fast."

We understand that finding the right tire compound for these speeds is the real problem, along with Nascar's refusal to allow Hoosier Tire to compete with Goodyear. However, all the drivers are competing with the same pieces of rubber, and it's incumbent on them to decide how hard they can push their equipment. If Saturday's Busch race was any indication, the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400 is gonna be one hell of a race, with lots of tight action, lots of wrecks (especially on the "black ice" off of Turn 4), and one of the Busch brothers acting the fool in front of the hometown crowd. My bet is on Kyle doing some kind of post-win, pre-ejaculatory celebratory dance.

5. Martin
4. Stewart
3. Kahne
2. Burton
1. Kyle Busch

Ask Not For Whom LVMS Tolls

...because it tolls for just about everyone, or at least according to Greg Biffle, who, on account of his retardedly hard hit into the wall during off-season testing, should probably know. Yeah, so they put in a shitload of banking into the turns during the off-season, which means that the speeds are much higher than in previous seasons, and which, in turn, means that everyone is going to fucking die. A lot of dire things about tomorrow's race were said during today's Busch series broadcast, and a fair amount of them will, with any luck, turn out to be true. That having been said, someone will nevertheless win, and we think that that someone is going to be one Tony Stewart. Our reasoning is vague and will remain that way, but shit, this Busch-Cup weekend sweep trend is not going to last for three goddamn weeks, and the #20 team is hungry for a win. The #9 and the #17 will be a factor all fucking day long, since it's a 1.5, but in the end the newly sorta svelte T. Stewart will take the checkers. Your top 5:

5. Kahne
4. Johnson
3. Biffle
2. Kurt Busch
1. Stewart

California...

Well, seeing as the Auto Club 500 did actually happen, much to the horror and dismay of your faithful TL staffers, we feel a touch of post-race analysis is the least we could do. Anal-y-sis is what your favorite political science graduates do. Besides, our A in film class qualifies us to comment on the pursuit of the Nextel Cup. Heading to Las Vegas we can assume Kenny Wallace will be lost and forgotten in the same sandbox M. Waltrip was pulling a crybaby in during the Cali. prerace promo. Which isn't to say that that particular promo can be mistaken for an oracle. After all, JJ Yeley ended up with the Nextel Cup.

As for the actual Auto Club 500..:

Riggs sucks but I've got to believe Jamie McMurray isn't long for this world, or at least for Roush Racing. He's got shit for luck but that only works as an excuse for so long.

Speaking of Roush, WTF is David Ragan's problem? I understand that he finished +20 places from where he started at Cali. Still, he went around after turn three for no particular reason on L19. One more position and he's Top 15. We're curious as to where he might finish this year.

Unleaded fuel is gonna screw folks up, no matter how many times LarryMac says it's all about engine tuning.
One does have to wonder if DEI will figure out why its engines are exploding before Jr. gets pissed and heads for greener pastures (RCR + JR = ..?)

Finally, I have to say Harvick got what he deserved. You fuck wit the United States Army, you get the horns. Or at least not easy access to crude reserves...

Auto Club 500 predictions

Just watched the anthem and flyover. Apparently the US Military is taking this Joint Operations Doctrine all the way; the flyover consisted of two Air Force F-16s and two Navy F-18s. Unfortunately they neglected to put a strafing run on Happy Harvick's ride.

Anyways, we here at TL East are steeling ourselves for 3 hours of single file racing, fuel-mileage pontificating, and Kasey Kahne's first victory of the season, which will do exactly nothing to rinse the rotten-pussy taint of cheating from Evernham Motorsports.

Top 5
5. Gordon
4. Burton
3. Kenseth
2. Martin
1. Kahne

California: Here Comes the Future

We've been trying to figure out what to say about the Daytona 500, but the last post from last week's drunkblog really says it best; most of our upper-level brain RAM is still dedicated to trying to figure out why Kevin Harvick is not in Guantanamo Bay or at least some damp and uncomfortable secret CIA prison somewhere in Eastern Europe. We've hated on Harvick pretty hard for a while now, and so the following things frankly do not matter to us:

- Martin winning would have depended not on whether NASCAR had thrown the yellow before he crossed the start/finish but exactly when. Harvick and Martin traded the lead a couple times even after the Medium-Sized One behind them erupted.

- Harvick came from pretty deep in the pack to win. Yeah, a lot of that can be attributed to simple attrition - most of the cars that could and should have won had wrecked out - but a lot of it was skill.

- Harvick was kinda sorta maybe driving Dale Earnhardt's old ride, and since Dale Earnhardt is dead that makes it all poignant and shit.

- The 500 victory was a fitting conclusion to the rehabilitation of RCR, which as recently as two years ago was a midpack team whose future was in some question (speaking of which, both Penske cars were pretty strong in the 500 - will '07 be for them what '06 was for RCR?)

No. None of these things matter. It wasn't even that we like Martin that much, certainly not as much as SPH; he's not really what you'd call an exciting driver to watch, and his old Viagra car, along with Bob Dole, helped put the idea of old white guys with prolonged, enduring erections into the national consciousness. But he was the sentimental favorite, and the idea of former teammates Biffle and Kenseth pushing him to the front did make us feel warm and fuzzy inside, and he was driving a car sponsored by the U.S. Army, an institution that's had a few seasons recently that make RCR's troubles look inconsequential by comparison (a car, we should add, that Front Row Joe Nemechek had been unable to accomplish anything with in the last two years). So, again, to those whom it may concern: send Kevin Harvick to Guantanamo. Shit, he's already got the brightly colored jumpsuit.

Also, anyone notice some weird names in the top 10 at Daytona? Mike Wallace (in the Miccosukee car!)? David "The Butcher of Martinsville" Ragan? The aformentioned Front Row Joe? WTF?

So that there was your 500. We might not be happy about the winner, but the race itself, or at least the last third of it, reminded us of everything that's right about NASCAR - unexpected upsets, spectacular crashes, and some pretty good racing by desperate folks doing desperate things. Hell, Clint Bowyer came across the start/finish upside down and on fire; show me that, IRL!

If the Daytona 500 represented everything that's good and holy about modern stock car racing, this weekend's Auto Club 500 at California will probably represent everything that's wrong with it. California's not a very exciting track; it's fast, but tends to produce a lot of long green flag runs during which nothing much happens. At the second California race last year, the most compelling drama revolved around whether or not Reed Sorenson would run out of gas. Just about any fan will tell you that there's no reason that California should even have two dates, but demographics are what they are and it does, so let's just all bear the fuck with it.

There's another way in which California is different from Daytona; Daytona is a plate track where anything can and does happen, while California is an intermediate track the likes of which make up the bulk of the NEXTEL Cup schedule, and so what happens this Sunday will probably be pretty indicative of the way that the rest of the year will go (last year, all but one of the eventual Chase contenders finished in the top 13). Here's what we think will go down: look for a couple Roush cars (we refuse to refer to it as "Roush-Fenway"), probably Kenseth and either Biffle or Edwards, to charge to the front early and then spend most of the day duking it out with probably all of Hendrick, Kasey Kahne, and maybe Jeff Burton. As for the end, we're going to go out on a fuck of a limb and predict that Casey Mears will go to Victory Lane for the first time in Cup and in his second start with Hendrick. Kenseth, who won the Busch race earlier tonight, should do pretty well also. Here's your Top 5:

5. Gordon
4. Kahne
3. Edwards
2. Kenseth
1. Mears

Sadly, there will be no Cup race next weekend, which drivers who are running Busch (we also refuse to use the term "Buschwhacker") will spend running at the Autodromo Hermanos Whatever in Mexico City and which the rest will spend getting right with the Lord before heading to Las Vegas, where everyone will supposedly die because of the newly added banking. Also, this weekend marks precisely one month until the first Car of Tomorrow race. See y'all tomorrow.

Other thoughts from the 500

Unlike the technologically advanced staff over at TL West, we here at TL East are still stuck in the dark ages, having to put pen to paper to record our thoughts as the Daytona 500 ran last Sunday. In roughly chronological order are our scribblings on the day’s broadcast.

-Kurt Busch really is a grinding douchbag. What’s the fucking point of racing Stewart for the lead with the majority of the race to still be run!?! I’d imagine that Kurt would mention something about how those five bonus points for leading the most laps are ab-so-lutely vital in the Race for the Chase. Right.

-Is there a Dodge resurgence happening. Especially Ryan Newman… after spending 2006 looking fat and sucking at everything, including that Gillette Young Guns commercial, he’s actually riding around near the front. (The final results were a bit of a mixed bag for Dodge. Four cars in the Top-15, Formula One import Montoya in 19^th place, and four of the final seven finishers. As for the #12 Alltel Dodge, its engine cut out on lap 175. Also, was that a new paint job?)

-Montoya is reporting his car to be “silly tight.” Regardless of where he finishes, TL East thinks he’ll be alright.

-God Bless green flag pit stops.

-DW: Toyota’s are made up in Georgetown, Kentucky.
MJ: That’s why they say foreign nameplate… global economy, that’s where we are.

-MJ: Like a squatter at a fire the #2 has company and it’s not all friendly. (a particularly redeeming comment in light of the above exchange)

-WIDOMV – Kenseth’s wife = hot. Fear for Newman’s wife’s safety
(I was somewhere between my 7^th and 8^th Milwaukee’s Best Light when I wrote this line, verbatim. No, I don’t know what the acronym stands for.)

-JJ fucks everybody up.

-#26 crashes. Damn. 1,8,26,88 all caught up. I really don’t know what McMurray’s problem is but he needs to put a lid on this kind of nonsense.

Next thing I know a few million dollars of racecar was torn up, along with the hopes and dreams detailed in the preceding post. Well, one way to get over that is to review a few of the new commercials out for Daytona. Another way would be jacking it furiously over the pretty lady from last year’s Prilosec ads but unfortunately hours of searching have turned up, well, jack.

-Best Ad: Kasey Kahne’s Allstate Flashback spot. Great idea, great execution. TL West is partial to the gal riding shotgun but we here at TL East believe that the lady in the driver’s seat is simply “tits”. Also, she’s way more rarin’ to go as evidenced by her offer to do quote-unquote “anything”. Actually, from the way shotgun gal shifts her eyes at this I think they might want Kasey to run a train on them…

-Ad best showing the effects of a three day, crank-fueled NASCAR binge: Oreo Yum, Yum, Yum. Frankly this is a sign that rehab, if not prison, are in your immediate future.

-Ad most deftly demonstrating that Tony Raines is a moron: The DLS commercial. It is just me or are you reminded of Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men” whenever this comes on? Raines and his crew chief are proportionally equivalent to George and Lennie. And the dialogue… “Different..? Whoa!”

-Ad proving TL West’s assertion that all the teams found a huge redneck to work as a jackman: UPS’s Tire Carrier.