So I drive on over to Bristol, bitches, niggaz put away your pistols

So today is first Bristol, a good excuse as any to spend a Sunday drunk and yelling at the television. It's also the first race for the minority-approved Car of Whenever. It's supposed to equalize the competition and shit; we'll see about that. The starting grid looks pretty much like it usually does, so we're not expecting anything out of the ordinary, with the exception of the possibility of Matt Kenseth and Jeff Gordon beating each other with the detachable wings from their respective cars. Thankfully, ordinary at Bristol means hatred, viciousness, and vendettas that last for years, so there's that. We've been thinking that the circuit is overdue for a new winner - there were only two last year, and that's even if you count Brian Vickers' bullshit win at Dega - but that's probably not going to happen in Thunder Valley. We're banking on a comeback for the 8 team today, though not literally, because most situations in which money is staked on the reliability of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. do not end well. The usual suspects will run up front:

5. Johnson
4. Harvick
3. Kenseth
2. Kahne, cause why not?
1. Junior

Kobalt Tools 500

Welcome to Atlanta where the players play
And we ride on dem thangs like ev-ery day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangsters roamin
And parties dont stop 'til eight in the mo'nin

Mr. Dupree might have a point about this weeks race at Atlanta Motor Speedway.
Players like Dale Jr. and Kasey will be riding up front all day while the original gangster,
Kevin Harvick, bides his time roaming around the middle of the pack after his crappy
qualifying run.  All the while the infield figures to look like something out of a Girls Gone
Wild video.

Top 5
5.Martin
4.Junior
3.Kahne
2.Johnson
1.Kyle Busch 

Vegas is awesome because:

1. 4 cars are off the track by lap 20; at this rate, every single car in the field will be in the garage by lap 215.

2. The Greg Biffle craps tutorial was the greatest pre-race filler segment I've ever seen. Although Biffle is a pretty good actor by Cup driver standards, there was no mistaking the insane, savage greed in his eyes as anything but real. I fully expect to run into him throwing dice in an alley sometime. Will someone please let us know if and when it shows up on YouTube?

3. The Busch brothers' obsession with winning on their home track causes them to do some really, really stupid shit when racing each other. Expect that story to have a simulataneously tragic and hilarious denouement.

We understand that the new Nextel Cup is all about safety, a point the knuckleheads over at Trackside Live are contractually obligated to mention at least 10 times every broadcast. Still, race car drivers complaining about going too fast? We find that to be absurd, especially considering speeds back in the good ole days of the late Eighties topped out around 210 mph. And them fellas didn't have no fancy Safer Barriers or HANS devices. What would Dale tell the Stewart, Gordon and the rest of the NASCAR Nextel Crybabies? Probably something along the lines of "wrap a kerosene-soaked rag around your ankles so the ants don't bite your candy ass." For once I'd have to agree whole-heartedly with what Michael Waltrip spouted forth on Trading Paint this Friday. "We're race car drivers, we get paid to go fast."

We understand that finding the right tire compound for these speeds is the real problem, along with Nascar's refusal to allow Hoosier Tire to compete with Goodyear. However, all the drivers are competing with the same pieces of rubber, and it's incumbent on them to decide how hard they can push their equipment. If Saturday's Busch race was any indication, the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400 is gonna be one hell of a race, with lots of tight action, lots of wrecks (especially on the "black ice" off of Turn 4), and one of the Busch brothers acting the fool in front of the hometown crowd. My bet is on Kyle doing some kind of post-win, pre-ejaculatory celebratory dance.

5. Martin
4. Stewart
3. Kahne
2. Burton
1. Kyle Busch

Ask Not For Whom LVMS Tolls

...because it tolls for just about everyone, or at least according to Greg Biffle, who, on account of his retardedly hard hit into the wall during off-season testing, should probably know. Yeah, so they put in a shitload of banking into the turns during the off-season, which means that the speeds are much higher than in previous seasons, and which, in turn, means that everyone is going to fucking die. A lot of dire things about tomorrow's race were said during today's Busch series broadcast, and a fair amount of them will, with any luck, turn out to be true. That having been said, someone will nevertheless win, and we think that that someone is going to be one Tony Stewart. Our reasoning is vague and will remain that way, but shit, this Busch-Cup weekend sweep trend is not going to last for three goddamn weeks, and the #20 team is hungry for a win. The #9 and the #17 will be a factor all fucking day long, since it's a 1.5, but in the end the newly sorta svelte T. Stewart will take the checkers. Your top 5:

5. Kahne
4. Johnson
3. Biffle
2. Kurt Busch
1. Stewart

California...

Well, seeing as the Auto Club 500 did actually happen, much to the horror and dismay of your faithful TL staffers, we feel a touch of post-race analysis is the least we could do. Anal-y-sis is what your favorite political science graduates do. Besides, our A in film class qualifies us to comment on the pursuit of the Nextel Cup. Heading to Las Vegas we can assume Kenny Wallace will be lost and forgotten in the same sandbox M. Waltrip was pulling a crybaby in during the Cali. prerace promo. Which isn't to say that that particular promo can be mistaken for an oracle. After all, JJ Yeley ended up with the Nextel Cup.

As for the actual Auto Club 500..:

Riggs sucks but I've got to believe Jamie McMurray isn't long for this world, or at least for Roush Racing. He's got shit for luck but that only works as an excuse for so long.

Speaking of Roush, WTF is David Ragan's problem? I understand that he finished +20 places from where he started at Cali. Still, he went around after turn three for no particular reason on L19. One more position and he's Top 15. We're curious as to where he might finish this year.

Unleaded fuel is gonna screw folks up, no matter how many times LarryMac says it's all about engine tuning.
One does have to wonder if DEI will figure out why its engines are exploding before Jr. gets pissed and heads for greener pastures (RCR + JR = ..?)

Finally, I have to say Harvick got what he deserved. You fuck wit the United States Army, you get the horns. Or at least not easy access to crude reserves...